There are a number of individuals who are in relationship who are not yet ready for such a commitment. One of the biggest issues with such individuals relates to what many therapists classify as a personality disorder. Personality disorders pertain to failed maturation of the individual's personality. This often poses difficulties for the success of a relationship. One of the worst scenarios I have seen in my years of practice has to do with what I call the Narcissist-Borderline Relationship. A narcissistic personality disorder, which occurs more commonly in males, is basically speaking the result of early parental neglect and leaves an individual with a deep sense of inadequacy about themselves. The personality structure that forms around this inner pain of inadequacy includes a behavioral repertoire which drives the individual to elicit extraordinary amounts of attention from others. These individuals often appear as very arrogant, charismatic, extroverted and attention seeking. At the same time they feel extremely emotionally vulnerable to rejection and may fly into a rage if they are slighted in this way. The borderline personality structure basically results when a child, usually female, is not only neglected but abused, often sexually. The child is not only traumatized but the personality fragments into relating to the world as either a "good and agreeable" individual or as an "angry and disagreeable" individual. Like the narcissist personality, the borderline personality is also very vulnerable to feelings of rejection and can easily become enraged by such slights. As the narcissist has a need for attention and the borderline has a need for love and rescue there is a tendency for these two to match up in order to get their own needs met. The narcissist is perceived by the borderline as the charming, charismatic, caring, and loving hero who is there to rescue them. Alternately the narcissist perceives the borderline's "good and agreeable" self as caring, admiring, and loving. Of course all of this early posturing can only go on for so long. As soon as one perceives the other as rejecting the problems begin. I'm sure you can imagine how things can deteriorate badly given the sensitivity of each to personal slights along with their tendency to be easily set off in a volatile fashion by such slights. Unfortunately because of their respective neediness they often find it difficult to let go of the other. So they get locked in a mutually abusive situation that further traumatizes them both. If you read my article on "Emotional Landmines" you will appreciate how one might address this problem in a satisfactory manner. The solution to such a problem is to help each individual heal the internal trauma that they each harbor. This however takes courage as each individual will need to face the trauma they carry rather than simply try to suppress it or try to compensate for the negative effects it causes. |
