Do you have individuals in your life who suck the life right out of you or your spouse? While some people make you feel better after contact with them, others leave you feeling drained and exhausted. How do you know if youve encountered an energy vampire? According to Judith Orloff, M.D., author of Positive Energy, The tip-off is that even after a brief contact you leave feeling worse, but he or she seems more alive. This is a different experience than just having bad chemistry with another person and not enjoying the interaction. When an energy vampire is present, youll feel depleted of energy and vitality afterwards. The ideas Dr. Orloff presents about energy vampires intrigue me, and I believe they have important implications for relationships. As anyone who is striving to have a quality marriage knows, good relationships take lots of time, effort, and energy. In a busy lifestyle, theres precious little energy that can be wasted without coming up short in some area of your life. For example, if you are more tired than usual, you may have difficulty in mustering the energy to exercise or prepare a healthy dinner. Eventually, not taking care of yourself in a nurturing way will show up in your marriage. Maybe youll be more stressed and less patient as a result. Likewise, if youre exhausted from an encounter with an energy vampire friend who depletes your energy, you wont have as much pep and enthusiasm to put into enjoying quality time with your partner. Marriages are impacted by outside factors such as needs and requests of family members, friends, co-workers, neighbors, and acquaintances. Theres not time or energy to try to meet all of everyone elses expectations or wants. Daily life offers the challenge of setting priorities and boundaries so that you can focus on whats most important to you. And for many people, their marriage and relationship with their spouse and children is whats most important. Anyone who drains you or your spouses vitality and makes you feel worse after talking or being with them is someone who has the potential to negatively affect the energy available in your marriage. Its not a casual, insignificant thing for a spouse to have an energy vampire friend who is a large part of his or her life. If energy is being consistently drained from you or your spouse, your relationship will suffer. Dr. Orloff describes nine types of energy vampires. I want to focus on five of those. See if you recognize anyone you know in the following descriptions. Energy Vampire #1 is the Sob Sister. This person is a whiner, a perpetual victim, who loves a captive audience and can talk for hours about her problems. If you offer a solution, she gives a Yes, but answer that gives an excuse for why your solution wont work in her case. Dr. Orloff says, You might find yourself listening for hours, hearing the same complaints over and over. She ends up renewed. Youre exhausted. Energy Vampire #2 is the Blamer. This person makes you feel guilty, berates you, and casts negativity into your energy field. Hes more overtly angry than the Sob Sister, and he uses accusation to drain you. Dr. Orloff says, You walk away feeling knifed, that you havent lived up to expectations, are somehow defective. One of the statements a Blamer might make is If it werent for you, we wouldnt be in this mess or Its your fault that Im on drugs. It takes agility and planning to deflect a blamers tactics. Energy Vampire #3 is the Drama Queen. This person has a real flair for exaggeration, for going from crisis to crisis, and for being energized by chaos. One of her characteristic opening statements is some variation of Oh my God, youll never guess what happened! Dr. Orloff says, The roller-coaster antics of a drama queen put you on overload and wipe you out. Her in-your-face intensity can make you feel burned out in no time flat. Energy Vampire #4 is the Constant Talker or Joke-teller. This person always demands center stage and has absolutely no interest in what youre feeling. At first, he (or she) might seem entertaining, but you soon begin to fade after non-stop stories, jokes, and comments and the incessant self-focus. According to Dr. Orloff, these energy vampires grind our energy field down like a relentless yippy chihuahua who badly needs a walk. Its impossible to sneak a word in edge-wise, and they love to trap you in conversation where its hard to break away. Energy Vampire #5 is the Fixer-Upper. There are two types. Dr. Orloff writes that the first type of fixer-upper makes you into her therapist. At all hours she calls desperate to have you fix her problems, unlike the Sob Sister who simply complains. She sucks you in because you care, want to lessen her pain, and be a good friend. The second type of fixer-upper is, according to Dr. Orloff, someone who you perceive needs an overhaul, and you take him on as a project. What you dont realize is that he isnt really interested in changing. You may even put your life on hold to help him realize his potential, but in spite of all your efforts, it never happens. So what can you do if your marriage is being harmed by an energy vampire? Dr. Orloffs book has a number of invaluable recommendations for how to combat energy vampires and preserve your individual vitality. The following are my recommendations for protecting your marital relationship: 1. Do an energy assessment of who energizes you and who drains you in your life. Who makes you feel better after a conversation and who leaves you feeling worse off? Who makes unreasonable demands on your time and reduces the time and energy you have to give to your spouse and children? 2. Develop strategies to lessen your contact with the energy vampires in your life. If you cant end all contact, then brainstorm about creative ways to minimize your exposure to these people and set boundaries about how much time youll invest. For example, if your long-time friend is a Sob Sister, decide how long youll listen before ending the conversation. 3. Initiate a conversation with your mate about how youve been evaluating where youre currently spending your time and energy because you value your marriage and want to have a quality relationship. Say that you know that means you need to be careful not to waste valuable time or energy in ways that arent satisfying or beneficial. Your sharing of what youre doing may encourage her (or him) to do the same. 4. If you are concerned because you see your spouses time and energy being depleted by energy vampires in his (or her) life, and he doesnt seem to realize it or isnt willing to address the issue, you might suggest doing some sessions with a marriage counselor. Say that youre finding some feelings building up that you want to discuss with your spouse in a counseling session so they wont cause problems in the future. Call it relationship housecleaning and keep the emphasis on yourself as the one needing help in handling some things. That will make it more likely that your spouse will be willing to go to counseling with you. 5. If you find that youre having difficulty in handling the energy vampires in your life, consider doing some individual counseling sessions to examine why youre reluctant to draw boundaries, to say no, or to forfeit your role as perennial nice guy. You may need to look at issues such as why youre trying so hard to fix someone else and ignoring your own needs or why youre listening to a whiner for hours on the phone when you really want to be relaxing and enjoying your evening. Ultimately, its up to you to set your priorities and then take the appropriate action to keep focused on your life goals and values. And that means protecting yourself from energy vampires so that your marriage can have the energy it needs to thrive. |
