Big Fat Lie 1: Your personality is formed and unchangeable by age 5 or 6 Somehow we have accepted the idea that we are complete by age 5 or 6 because some "learned psychologist" said so. Recent research reveals, however, that our neocortex, the front part of our brain that is responsible for reasoning and decision-making, is still developing well into late adolescence. I can hear the parents of teens saying "Well, duh!" If you pause to think about this notion, it really makes little sense, for at least two reasons: 1) It implies that people cannot change, and my 25 years of working with people makes me conclude just the opposite it true. Although just about every phase of my work life involves talking with people, I am basically a shy person. In high school and college there was a guy in our church who was very friendly to everyone, and just about everywhere we went, he knew someone. Because I admired this, I watched and modeled some of his behavior because my shyness was something I very much wanted to change. 2) If you are 40 years old and everything was formed and complete by age 5, then this implies that you have wasted the last 35 years. I doubt that to be true Big Fat Lie 2: Time heals all wounds. We have all heard this one many times. Sounds good, doesn't it? The problem is that time does not heal all wounds. The reality is this: all time does is pass. It's what we do while time is passing that makes the difference. I've worked with people that have had huge tragedies in their lives, and because of the way they handled it, were doing fairly well relatively soon. I've also worked with people who have had misfortune in their lives who talk about it as if it were last week when, in fact, it occurred 15 years ago. They have kept it alive and recent for them. It's what we do while time passes that makes the difference. Big Fat Lie 3: The first cut is the deepest From Rod Stewart to Sheryl Crow, "the first cut is the deepest" has become an accepted myth about relationships. The first breakup is supposed to be the worst and most difficult. "Isn't this supposed to hurt more?" I've even had teens and adults say, as if there were doing something wrong with not being broken-hearted enough. The reality is that the deepest cut, or most hurt, comes in the relationships where you have cared, loved and given the most. The difficult task is to recover enough to, in the words of the song, "try to love again." It's an important thing to accomplish, otherwise you give the other person way too much power over you. |
